A Sad Day For A Wedding
by nibbles131
Summary: Set during Malec 1x12. This is the whole wedding situation from Lydia's Point of view. Slightly AU.
A/N: I am including a trigger warning due to the fact there is brief mentioning of past self harming in this.

'Do you like it?' The dressmaker looked nervously towards me. The dress was laid out on the table in front of me. It was beautiful, the pale gold colour and the sparkle from the crystals fixed onto the dress was incredible. 'I- I love it. Thank you so much; it's perfect.' I smiled at her trying to hold back the gnawing anxiousness threatening to claw its way out. The woman looked relieved, and I remembered that with everything going on I completely forget her name. With the threat of Valentine and the remaining circle members, the missing mortal cup. The wedding, becoming the temporary head of the institution was leaving my thoughts scrambled and everything was entwining together.

The woman picked up her folder which was filled with dress ideas, colour swatches and contained every detail which I had to painstakingly decide. I watched her as she shook my hand and smiled, she was 40 something by the looks of her. No wedding rune on her which I found odd but didn't want to intrude on a woman I barely knew. I started thinking how nice it would be to not have to run the institute and battle demons. To just make dresses for other shadow hunters but that's not the way a Branwell does things.

The woman whose name I still couldn't remember left the room. It suddenly hit me how I was getting married. Like seriously? Me getting married to Alec Lightwood of all people? It still felt surreal and I wasn't sure what to think about it really when it happened so fast. One minute I was leaving Idris as the clave instructed, then I'm being proposed to by someone I didn't know that well and then I'm taking his sister to trial. This was the craziest few months I could remember.

I started to pace the room, nerves building up even more. The gorgeous dress gleaming in the light just made me feel worse. I wished that there was a rune that took away cold feet or wedding anxiety, whatever this was I was feeling.

There was a knock at the door that made me forget all this drama going on in my head. 'Come in.' I tried to sound confident but if anyone really listened they could probably tell I was going to explode with stress at any moment. The door opens and Clary walks in, I'm not quite sure what she would need to speak to me about but being Valentine's daughter it was never going to be good.

She pushed the door so it partially closed and stepped into the centre of the room. I never realised just how red her hair was, I don't know why I was suddenly noticing it. Maybe it was because I hadn't spent any time actually looking at her and more focusing on trying to stop her father. 'Lydia, I need to speak to you about something.' She sounded nervous, being new to the shadow world and having to talk to someone sent from the clave she could understand nerves but this wasn't like Clary so I started to brace myself for what was about to be said.

'Yes, Clary?' I wasn't sure what I was expecting her to say but I was ready. 'We were attacked going to Ragnor Fell. A Shax demon followed us. Someone is leaking information to Valentine. You were there when we spoke about it.' She looked confident as she said it and it took me a second to realise what she had just said. 'I'm sorry? Are you accusing me of high treason?' How dare she accuse me? Who did she think she was? I have trained extensively, been loyal to the Clave and now some child who doesn't even know anything about me was then suggesting I was working for Valentine. 'Well you were the only one there and I wa- 'I didn't want to hear anymore because I could see where this was heading.

'You think if I was working for Valentine I would be here getting married to Alec? He'd have the cup already.' I was annoyed and made sure to show that to her. I could see her expression change when she realised I was right; I wasn't going to have someone accusing me of something as serious as that. 'You're right Lydia. I'm sorry.' She smiled apologetically. I nodded; at least she could acknowledge when she was wrong. 'It's not fair on him you know.' I narrowed my eyes at her, what was she going to accuse me of now. 'On Alec I mean. It's not fair to go through with the wedding.' She sounded more apologetic than angry. I wasn't sure how I felt about Alec but this was his decision, not mine.

'Look, Clary, he proposed to me. It was his decision for us to get married. I agreed because it's the right thing to do. He wants to restore the Lightwood name and I can understand that.' I paused for a moment, I know why she was saying this. 'You don't think I've seen the way he looks at Magnus Bane? How his eyes light up in his presence? He's doing this for his family and I respect that.' I turned my back to her to get some water anything to drink. I didn't want her to see the disappointment on my face. It seemed Clary could read even the most hidden of emotions.

She attempted to speak but seemed to think better of it. She knew I was right, 'Lydia, what about his happiness? What about yours?' She was attempting to turn this back on me now. 'I had happiness once and now it's gone. Like I said this was Alec's idea and I am doing what's right. You'll learn this Clary that Shadowhunters don't allow their emotions to rule. I learned that the hard way.' It hurt to talk about him but she had to understand. 'I wish I could do something to help Lydia.'

I nodded I knew she had good intentions but she doesn't know the traditions that we have. 'This is for the best Clary, that's all I can say.' She nodded and turned round to leave, I left it at that because I didn't feel there was anything else I could say. What could I say? I can't let Alec down; this was his decision.

I watched her leave and let out a sigh, I didn't realise until now how exhausted I was. The wedding was tomorrow and everything was in place but I now had doubt in my head. I knew that in a way Clary was right but it wasn't fair on Alec to call off the wedding for no reason. I had already lost my chance at happiness and this was going to be the closest thing to happiness that I was going to find.

I left the study and walked down the hallway, it was getting late. All I could think about was having a hot shower. It was quiet in the institute which was a nice change from the loud buzz that hung around the air during the day when everyone was working. I could hear the faint whirl of the computers running as I walked past.

I walked past Clary's room and the door was partially open, I could see her on her bed talking on the phone. Presumably to her vampire friend whose name I didn't know.

Standing at my door I turned the door knob and walked in. Pushing it shut I dragged myself to the ensuite. I walked over to the shower switching it on. Steaming hot water came pouring out inviting me in. Taking my clothes off I got in. The water on my back was a welcome relief. I felt the stress of the day disappearing and thought back to my conversation with Clary.

I hadn't thought about John in such a long time, I tried to shut the memories out but it all came back to me in painful flashbacks. How happy we used to be, the love we shared, the times we fought together. And him dying in my arms. I burst into tears, my chest felt heavy and it hurt to breathe, I couldn't control myself but I didn't want to. I sat down in the shower hugging my knees crying for John and the love I would unlikely feel again.

I remembered the drinking, the harming myself with my stele using it just a little bit too aggressively and not drawing runes. Just burning lines onto my arms, angry painful lines that would disappear with a healing rune. Anything to get rid of the memory of him in my arms, the blood spilling out of his mouth. Me attempting to use any healing rune I could think of to save him. Screaming at him to stay with me but it was all no use. My stupidity killed him and I would never let myself forget that. I looked at my thigh and saw the scars that spelt out John, I did it one drunken night and didn't use a rune quick enough to avoid scarring. It was the painful reminder of what love did to me and what my actions cost me.

/

Eventually, I managed to muster the strength to get out of that shower and get ready for bed. I laid there feeling more tired than I did before. I had to be strong for tomorrow, everyone would be there. All eyes would be on me, not Alec, after all, they all knew how much I loved John.

/

I woke up and today was meant to be the happiest day of my life but all I could feel was dread. Was this really what I wanted? What Alec wanted? No I told myself, this was happening, I couldn't let Alec down now. He wanted to restore his family's honour and I respected that about him.

I wasn't sleeping well, I kept having the same nightmare over and over, I would walk down the aisle to see John smiling at me, as I walked to my future the only person I truly loved the scene twisted into that horrific moment, john falling and me holding him in my arms trying to stem the bleed. Trying to stop him from leaving me screaming for him to stay. I had this nightmare frequently I would always wake up scared and alone.

I needed to get up, the wedding was today and I couldn't waste any more time. I pulled myself out of bed and walked over to my wardrobe, I threw some pyjamas on since nobody would be seeing me until the ceremony anyway.

I walked into my bathroom and grabbed my toothbrush. I dared a glance at the mirror. I looked tired and stressed. Dark shadows under my eyes were a dead giveaway I wasn't sleeping well, but people would put that down to wedding nerves so I could avoid the questions from the Clave or the Lightwood's for that matter.

I started brushing my teeth suddenly remembering that the stylist would be here any minute now and I certainly didn't have time to be studying my appearance in the mirror.

Finishing in the bathroom, I just made it to the desk in my room before there was a knock on the door. I rushed to the door knowing we needed as much time as possible. I swung it open and the stylist was stood there, a short woman, a blonde like me. I had met her previously on a couple of occasions to discuss how I wanted my hair and makeup. I walked over to the desk sitting down. She didn't speak, which I found oddly comforting. She most likely knew I just wanted this done and the silence was the best way for it to get done. She laid all her brushes, products and anything else she needed and got to work.

/

I wasn't sure how much time it had taken. 3 hours? But I was ready, hair and makeup done. I was ready for the dress. I got up, getting undressed down to my underwear whilst the lady brought the dress over to help me in. The fabric was so soft against my skin like silk. Hugging every inch of skin that it needed to. I felt a pang of sadness in my heart knowing I would be sharing this day with someone other than John.

I turned round to look at myself in the mirror and I gasped a little. I looked incredible. My makeup was subtle, it complimented my features without being overdone. Pale pink lips and simple eye makeup I couldn't believe the difference it made. My dirty blonde hair had its fringe separated into 4 smaller plaits that disappeared into a messy bow braid which changed into a simpler braid resting on my right shoulder. The braids brought out the multiple tones of blonde in my hair and it just looked beautiful.

'I am lost for words. Thank you so much.' I started to get emotional causing the woman to come cover and hug me. I was ready to do this. The lady soon left afterwards and I waited for the time when I could go to the ceremony.

/

The last touch I needed to do was the shoes. Flat gold laced shoes adorned my feet. I was completely prepared visibly but not mentally. I left my room walking out into the hallway, I could feel my heartbeat quicken and that nervous butterfly feeling started burning in my stomach.

I entered the main hall of the institute and saw the bunch of roses waiting for me on the table. Picking them up I started to make my way to the wedding altar room. Every institute had a wedding room not that weddings outside of Idris were very common.

Every step was taking me closer to my future and I was feeling a wave of mixed emotions. I arrived at the corridor where the altar room was and after a few more steps I was now directly stood in front of the heavy double doors.

I could hear loud chatter coming from inside and I pictured everyone sat in there. I needed it to be over so I took a deep breath and opened the doors. Everyone stood up as I entered causing my nerves to go through the roof.

I remembered to smile as I walked down, everyone watched me as I walked down. I could see the silent brother stood behind the altar. Jace and Izzy were stood one either side and I saw John stood there, eyes trained on me. He looked incredibly handsome in his cream colour suit.

As I walked closer I could see Maryse and Robert stood smiling, but it seemed somewhat forced on her part. I walked up the steps until I was stood facing the love of my life. The wedding would start in a few minutes so the talking continued.

It provided a small amount of solace. I looked up, I hadn't seen him in so long. I felt tears prick my eyes. He smiled at me and I felt the world melt away until only me and him were stood together eyes locked on one another.

'John.' I breathed, he looked somewhat confused and I couldn't understand. 'What?' He questioned. I didn't understand, 'John?' I said again but all he kept doing was repeating 'Lydia?' Then suddenly I realised. John disappeared and Alec was saying something about not being John.

I could feel my face flush my embarrassment. 'Oh, my, Alec I'm sorry.' I didn't know where to look, he didn't seem to mind and luckily he was the only one apart from Jace who heard.

Everyone sat down as the silent brother spoke. Well, it was more like a thought. It was the weirdest sensation. And it helped to take my mind off what just happened.

He spoke about how marriage was a sacred communion of two Shadowhunters coming together. I could see Alec looked anxious but I didn't blame him because I felt exactly the same.

Isabelle handed me a soft pillow with the wedding stele sitting on it. I picked it up and moved the tip to gently touch the wedding stone. A large block somewhat resembling ice with a wedding rune engraved on the front. White vapour seemed to emanate from the stone and went into the stele making the tip glow white.

Alec gave me his wrist as I brought the stele down. I was very nervous at this point and had to stop my hand from shaking too much and drawing the rune wrong; which would be very embarrassing indeed.

As the point of the stele touched my husband to be's wrist; the doors leading out of the room swung open. I pulled back in surprise and not just mine but everyone's heads turned round. That was when I saw who entered the room; it was Magnus Bane.

I felt my heart drop, this was not starting to look good. I knew for a fact he wasn't invited to the wedding. If I didn't know that I would have found out Maryse shot up and looked furious. I could hear Jace ask who invited him. Then I heard it was Isabelle.

Alec started to look pale and I was about to ask him if he was alright but Jace beat me to it. 'You alright man?' He asked. I'd only seen Alec like this once? And it was in the presence of Magnus. 'I. Can't. Breathe' was his response.

Maryse had stormed down to confront Magnus and I could hear her angrily demand him to leave but he wasn't going to unless Alec told him to. Which I knew then he wasn't going to and I knew what was going to happen. Alec looked at me. 'I'm sorry Lydia, I can't do this.' His words hit me like a freight train. I didn't say anything, I just nodded. I was in shock.

I watched him as he walked towards Magnus, his mother tried to stop him. She had never approved of downworlders, while I was more open minded because of my ancestor Henry who worked so closely with Magnus all those years ago. He told her something which I didn't quite hear but she had that usual expression of disgust and shock; a face she pulled at almost everything she disapproved of. Which was mostly everything also. It made me smile.

Then he grabbed Magnus by the collar and kissed him. I wasn't sure why it was such a surprise to me but I felt my heart sink. I watched as they shared one of the most passionate moments I had ever seen. I could only dream of those now since those times were taken away from me a long time away.

/

The wedding was officially cancelled. I stood there watching as Alec and Magnus talked with Isabelle and the vampire boy Simon. Nobody spoke to me, what would they say? Sorry, your fiancé is in love with a warlock? I felt like a fool for not seeing it previously. He looked so happy and it was selfish of me but I felt jealous.

I was incredibly jealous that he had something that I craved, and that he dashed my chances at finding something close to happiness. Seeing all this reminded me of John and I was finding it difficult to hold my sadness in, I bit my tongue in an attempt to gain some self-control.

I walked down the altar steps and I hoped to get past the four of them discretely without being seen. But I wasn't so lucky, a hand grabbed my arm and I turned round. It was Alec.

Suddenly the other three were silent, awkward glances were exchanged between them all. 'Lydia, I am sorry.' He sounded genuine but this was slowly becoming unbearable especially in front of his friends. 'This was for the best Alec.' I tried to sound happy for him but I wasn't sure if I was playing the part well. 'I agree; it wouldn't have been right marrying you when you should have been stood there with John.'

I stared at him realising what he just said. 'Pardon?' I wasn't sure I heard him right. 'I was saying you should have been stood there with John, not me.' I slapped him, I didn't even mean to, he put his hand to his cheek. 'Don't ever speak about John. I told you that in confidence.' That was it, I wasn't able to hold it in anymore, I felt hot angry tears fight their way out and I felt suffocated being in this room, in this dress. With everyone here I needed to leave immediately so I did.

I pushed Alec gently out of my way and ran, I held the bottom of my dress to stop myself from tripping and past everyone who had turned to see why I was leaving so abruptly. I could hear Alec shout my name but I carried on running.

I shoved the doors open and stepped outside, I wiped my eyes because they were blurring my vision and pulled out the various pins and adornments keeping my hair held into place. I threw them on the floor shaking my head to loosen my hair. I carried on running in case someone stopped me.

I turned into a different hallway desperate to get as far away as possible. Nobody was around, I paused for a moment. I needed to go to my room, get changed and contact the Clave. I couldn't stay here a moment longer than I needed to. The tears kept coming, I felt like my heart was breaking into pieces.

Someone ran straight into me, I felt arms wrap around me to stop myself from being knocked over. 'Watch where you're going!' I angrily snapped as I turned round to have a go at whoever it was responsible. It was Alec who was stood there.

Seeing his face just reminded me of everything I had lost. I started hitting his chest in an awful mix of anger and sadness, he didn't move or try to stop me. He was silent; knowing I needed this. It wasn't helping it was just upsetting me more.

I broke down, I felt my body go weak and he held me up. I put my head in his chest craving the warmth he was providing. I cried, feeling the pain ease with every tear. 'Lydia, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought that up in front of everyone. I shouldn't have proposed. I didn't mean to hurt you.' He voice was soft and sincere, it helped to know that he had regrets about the whole situation. I nodded and he held me tighter allowing my pain to be released about everything.

My things were all packed into the few bags I brought. The rest of my belongings were back in Idris. It felt better to be back in regular clothes, my wedding dress was stored in a separate bag ready to be taken back with me at a later date.

I looked around the room that was going to be my home away from home and sighed. It was bare now, just the furniture remained. The wedding had made me realise that replacing John was like pouring rain back into a cloud. I couldn't do that to him and I needed to carry on as I was keeping myself busy with work because he was the only person who made me feel like I wasn't just a Shadowhunter, I was a person; a person who loved, cried and did all the things a mundane did. He made me Lydia Branwell and for that, I would always be grateful

A/N: I thought I'd do something a bit different to what has been written. If you liked it, don't forget to leave a review, follow and favourite.


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